What You're *Really* Fighting About

Have you ever slowed down during a fight and wondered, “What are we really fighting about here? Can we seriously be this worked up over _____ (fill in the blank with the most absurd thing you’ve argued over recently)?” You may have seen an “anger iceberg” image showing that beneath secondary/reactive angry feelings, softer vulnerable feelings tend to hang out—loneliness, fear, shame, grief, etc. When we’re talking about triggers and “raw spots” in couples work, it’s helpful to know what previous injuries and wounds—from the present relationship and all previous ones—are hanging out beneath the surface action. A ‘raw spot’ is kind of like if you bump into someone with a bruise and, “Oops! My bad!” only, emotional bruises aren’t always visible from the surface like a bruise in our skin.

© 2017 Morgan Johnson

Take a look at my doodle here. At the top, I’ve depicted the 5 most common problems in relationships as listed by renowned couples therapist, Stan Tatkin: money, sex, mess, kids, and time. A lot of times, these sound like fights over who loaded the dishwasher and pushed start and who was expected to empty it, whether or not to purchase that sale item at Ikea, or even the frequency of sex.

The Gottman Institute found that around 70% of all problems a relationship ever experiences will *not* be solvable. Problem-solvers, take a deep breath and sit with that for a moment. The bulk of relational problems being truly unsolvable means we shouldn't try to fix or stop them 100%, but instead learn to soothe and reassure each other through them. We can also use these types of conflict as a barometer for the status of the relationship’s bond and emotional bank account.

Once I’ve started working with a couple, I stop us if we are getting hooked at the top of the iceberg and invite everyone to slow and, as author of Hold Me Tight and founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, Sue Johnson, says, “take the elevator down” into the deeper feelings. Does someone feel unseen or unimportant? Is someone getting the sense that they’re not getting things right or that they’re a failure? Does someone feel unloved? Of course, there will be certain issues which require teamwork, negotiation, and do lend themselves to more binary outcomes, but I can’t overstate that if you’re trying to stop all conflict in a relationship, you’re wasting time.

I prefer Dr. Jean Baker Miller’s definition of what a relationship is: a continuous cycle of connection, disconnection, and reconnection. Conflict and disconnection are normal and healthy as long as everyone is staying safe from harm. We’ll experience better relationships if we focus on making repairs when we’ve gone into disconnection, as opposed to trying to prevent 100% of conflict and disconnection; our focus should be on reconnecting and taking care of each other when we’ve inevitably derailed.

Now take a look back at the iceberg I’ve drawn up for you. Unprocessed or unresolved attachment injuries from the present relationship are just below the surface. What’s an ‘attachment injury?’ An injury happens in a time of need/overwhelm when we get the message that we’re alone and our partner may not choose or may not be able to be 1) accessible/open, 2) responsive when we reach out, and 3) emotionally engaged. Sue Johnson, calls this the “A.R.E. you there for me? Question.” “Will you be Accessible when I need you? If I reach out, will you Respond? Can I count on you to stay Emotionally engaged with me?”

So how do you know if something is ‘unprocessed?’ You’ll bring up the issue and there will generally be a sudden, big emotional response that can seem out of proportion relative to the context—emotions from the past suddenly flood into the present moment and kind of take over. Sometimes we need support from a trained couples and/or individual counselor to reprocess big hurts and early life wounds.

I like to tell clients, “We can’t heal what we didn’t hurt;” it’s our job to work with our partners to heal the top two layers of the iceberg, but it’s our personal responsibility to heal through injuries from previous relationships and those early wounds that inevitably occur by being raised by imperfect caregivers. Sure, our partners can honor our past experiences by being sensitive to our triggers and they can help provide a secure, safe base from which we can venture out and do our own emotional heavy lifting, but we really have to do our own work if we expect to have healthy relationships.

The way to heal attachment injuries and take care of raw spots is to be able to name them—remember “name it to tame it”—validate our partners, apologize if necessary, make concrete plans for what we can do better next time an issue pops up, then demonstrate behavior change that shows we’re taking this information into account. Stick to sharing vulnerable feelings, needs/requests, fears, and longings where possible to avoid escalating conflict!

Examples of feelings beneath emotional raw spots in disconnection (from Hold Me Tight):
Lonely, unimportant, scared, hopeless, panicked, inadequate, failing/ashamed, isolated, humiliated, small/insignificant, unwanted, dismissed, helpless, hurt, intimidated, rejected, sad, lost/confused, let down, overwhelmed, vulnerable, or worried.

Beneath and connected below the injuries from the present relationship are big hurts from all of your previous partnerships—e.g., that ex who “cheated” on you repeatedly, the ex who left you unexpectedly, scary ex who used to get big and loud when they were upset. The reason these hurts from love relationships hurt, aside from pure logic, is that they root even deeper down and connect to the very bottom of the iceberg—the early wounds that happen to all of us as a result of being raised and cared for by imperfect humans—our “attachment style.”

Typically at the bottom of my conflict iceberg, you’ll see two primary wounds according to Sue Johnson: deprivation (emotional starvation) and desertion (abandonment and rejection). Dr. Sue further argues that about 90% of all of our conflict in relationships is really a “protest” when we’re feeling like our partners aren’t accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged.

So it actually makes sense when you’re suddenly fighting like it’s life or death when, on the surface, it’s about the way laundry is folded or how the trash is is isn’t being taken out—someone has gotten the message that their needs won’t be met, or worse—that they don’t matter enough for a partner to even consider their needs. We have to see the whole picture or we run the risk of writing our lovers off as irrational and using that nuclear bomb phrase for conflict: “Just calm down. What’s the big deal?” Telling someone to ‘calm down’ is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

What can we do instead? Give your partners the gift of “of course.” That might sound something like: “Of course you feel that way. You’re not crazy. It makes sense to me that you’re feeling how you are. I get it. Knowing you and your story, of course you responded the way you did.” Add in some appreciations and you’ll be on your way to reconnection instead of disconnection.

For anyone experiencing relationship conflict that makes you afraid for your life or safety, I just want to remind you that you’re not alone and that there’s help. You have these trusted resources: National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Crisis Text Line: text “HOME” to 741741. RAINN National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline: 800-656-4673. Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.

Take care of each other!

Love,
MJ

Tips for Opening Hearts: LGBT Affirmation and Faith-Based Communities

This week I'm beyond jazzed to share some incredibly hopeful new research with you.

I was recently volunteering at a training put on by The Human Empathy Project for LGBTQ affirming clinicians who work with faith-based communities. The first LPC Supervisor I worked with who was co-leading the training, Dr. Gena Minnix, handed me a copy of a peer-reviewed paper she wrote that was *just* published in Counseling and Values (April, Vol. 63). 

Short story: was almost completely overcome with joy and enthusiasm.

Back story: Gena, who supervises counselors and therapists in training and teaches at Seminary of the Southwest, has an incredible background in Counselor Education and Ethics. Her supervision and guidance co-lead me to a place where I feel confident opening my heart to nonaffirming and affirming folks alike. And confident that when I do, hearts are more likely to open in response. 

Right when I graduated with the MA in Counseling back in 2013, I used to worry that as a counselor I wouldn't be able to support parents who rejected their gay kids. I told Gena that I was concerned maybe there'd be a case I would feel like I should refer out. 

Queue Meat Loaf: "but I won't do that." 

After learning from Gena in my first couple of years working with couples, it became quite clear that if we can put our hang-ups aside and really attune with people by embodying loving kindness and radical acceptance, it's kind of the key that unlocks everything.

I learned to look for the vulnerability, fear, and deep love that tend to hang out beneath what can appear on the surface as intolerance, rigidity, and hate. I learned to tolerate my intolerance for certain kinds of rejecting/dismissing behaviors because when you show up for someone through that without judging or moralizing, and really just try to see the logic and understand, everyone grows. 

Now, I'm certainly not saying that I endorse nonaffirming behaviors, nor am I saying that I'm trying to convert religious parents to LGBT affirming stances. 

I just watch love unfurl in unexpected places again and again when I find ways to embody loving kindness. It's not always easy! A lot of people had to grow some seriously tough defenses and coping strategies to survive, and beliefs don't change overnight. It takes patience. 

It's absolutely captivating and fascinating to me to consider the question: what makes change happen and last? 

In this context, how do people go from being nonaffirming or conflicted to LGBT affirming?

Gena's article, "Reconciling Counselors' Christian Beliefs and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Affirmation: A Grounded Theory," is also concerned with change, namely, how counselors go about resolving concerns or perceived dilemmas. 

To start, "LGBT affirmation" is defined as "the act of validating, supporting, and advocating for LGBT individuals, couples, and families (Matthews, 2007; Ritter & Terndrup, 2002)" (Minnix, 111).

Gena cites five solid studies from 2003-2013 all showing that LGBT affirmation has been found to associate with positive outcomes, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and in terms of well-being, for members of the LGBTQ community (Bockting, Miner, Swinburne Romine, Hamilton, & Coleman, 2013; Herek et al., 2007; Meyer, 2003; Paige, 2005; Wright, LeBlanc, & Badgett, 2013). 

Conversely, as shown by Feinstein et al. (2012) and Meyer (2003), Gena points out that "nonaffirming conditions" put LGBT individuals at higher risk for emotional, mental, and physical stress. 

So what can counselors do to ensure they're working ethically?

In 2003, Israel, Ketz, Detrie, Burke, and Shulman did a modified Delphi study with 22 experts and determined that core counseling competencies include that "the counselor a) holds no strong personal convictions that homosexuality is immoral or should be changed, b) adopts a nonhomophobic attitude, and c) demonstrates comfort with and acceptance of same-sex intimacy as normal and healthy (Minnix, 111-112)." 

Back in the day, it was considered "best practice" by many to refer clients out if it seemed like your religious beliefs kept you from working with LGBT clients. Not today!

Check out ACA A.11.b "Values Within Termination and Referral Counselors;" it says: "Licensees refrain from referring clients based solely on their personally held attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors, but respect the diversity of clients and seek training in areas in which they are at risk of imposing values."

ACA, AAMFT, and LCSW also all include clauses about non-discrimination. 

ACA C.5 says: "A licensee shall not refuse to perform any act or service for which the person is licensed solely on the basis of a client's age; gender; race; color; religion; national origin; disability; sexual orientation; gender identity and expression; or political affiliation; relationship status; health status; language preference; socioeconomic status; immigrant status, or any basis prescribed by law." 

So if you're a religious counselor, and you're feeling torn between your beliefs and the ethical requirements of professional boards, what do you do to increase your competency while also trying to reconcile beliefs? 

From Gena's research, I first want to share some hopeful news: it's quite possible for you to shift from being nonaffirming or conflicted to embodying an LGBT affirming stance.

In the study, she spoke with 15 Christian heterosexual counselors who "successfully reconciled a perceived conflict between lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender affirmation and their religious beliefs" (110). It kicked off with a lovely, simple prompt: "Tell me about your process of reconciling LGBT affirmation with your Christian beliefs." 

It turns out, there were a few common themes in the narratives of these counselors who shifted to being affirming: 1) exposure to scientific and factual knowledge about biology, 2) meaningful interpersonal contact with members of the LGBT community, 3) learning about and connecting with affirming religious resources and communities, 4) taking a look at scripture in a "maybe we got this wrong" kind of way and the idea that homosexuality is not a choice so it's not a sin. 

One super simple way to address the biological reality, while we're here, is to just look at the chemicals our brains and bodies are producing when there's love versus addiction; bodies in love get pumped full of oxytocin, not just dopamine like with addiction. For those thinking being gay is like an addiction, all you have to do is check out brains, hormones, and neurotransmitters and realize that's not what's going on. 

Certain perceived risks can get in the way of this reconciliation process: fear of rejection or being shunned by your community, fear of being perceived as questioning "God's word" or betraying God, and risk to the relational connection with God and your spiritual community/family. 

Gena Minnix brought these concepts into a grounded theory called a "Relational Equilibrium Model of Reconciliation."

Relational Equilibrium (RE) here refers to "the delicate balance of relational connection, with others and with God, which emerged in the data time and again and appeared essential to sustaining participants' wellness and stability as they moved through various states of reconciliation (121)."

Gena found three "States of Reconciliation:" 1) "characterized by an expanding social network of increasing diversity, which resulted in LGBT affirmation becoming a personal matter," 2) emotional and/or spiritual distress characterized by "wrestling" and feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and sadness, and 3) "characterized by a deepening of one's commitment to spiritual practices accompanied by an expanding trust in God" (120).  

This resonate with what I see clinically! There's usually a crisis of compassion, then a struggle with some emotional heavy lifting, and eventually "integration" and balance. 

As participants in her study moved through these states, expanded relational networks and deepening trust in God "supported and sustained their relational equilibrium while LGBT affirmation was developing." 

In his studies on grounded theory and common-factors-driven change, Doug Sprenkle and colleagues identified the expanding of our networks and systems as one of the primary factors associated with seeing lasting change in the direction clients want. It's no surprise that expanding networks helped with RE.

"When LGBT affirmation posed a threat to relational equilibrium, participants' movement toward reconciliation tended to slow down or stall. When participants discovered that LGBT affirmation did not threaten, but in fact supported, their relational equilibrium, they tended to progress toward reconciliation (Minnix, 121)."

You can see a visual of the model below: 

Minnix (2018) Counseling & Values 

At the Ethics CEU training, Gena offered some relational, cultural, and professional research-based tips from her work researching and creating this model for "working with Christians conflicted about LGBTQ+ Affirmation."

I want to share the tips because they're so practical and stem from this diligent research:

Relational Tips:
1) Be open and curious about beliefs and psychospiritual strengths,
2) Engage in an authentic relationship (e.g., "I'm really glad to know you),
3) Anticipate, normalize, and empathize with religious-based obstacles to LGBTQ+ affirmation (e.g., "What do you wish I understood about this dilemma for you?") 

Cultural Tips:
1) Encourage Christians in their faith and spiritual practice,
2) Help Christians connect with LGBTQ+-affirming members of their tradition,
3) Support relational equilibrium (e.g., "I'm excited to keep talking with you and learning alongside you," "I want to encourage you to lean into your faith.")

Professional Tips:
1) Share gender/sexuality research findings about the "ABC's" (a- it's NOT an addiction, b- biology plays a role, and c- conversion therapy is harmful),
2) Mediate interactions with LGBTQ+ community,
3) Define LGBTQ+ affirmation: knowledge, skills, dispositions,
4) Instill hope and share research and stories (e.g., "It's possible to reconcile LGBTQ+ affirmation with Christian beliefs.")

If you're a supervisor, the long and short is: a) get to know Christian students, b) engage in an authentic relationship with them, and c) identify the resources and strengths that are in their religious tradition. Help make everyone feel safe to think out loud and ask questions! Also, make sure that if the supervisee needs empathy, they're getting it from you and not from clients. Empathy has to roll downhill to people with the least privilege/power and the most vulnerability. 

Again and again the answer is simply: authentic relationships. 

If we can co-create an environment that offers a safe place for questioning, provides access to research and science, affirms the strengths of religious faiths, and just helps people get to know more LGBTQ+ people, we can feel hopeful about seeing a more loving future. 

This calls to mind Brené Brown: "Braving The Wilderness is a call to courage. A call to move closer to each other, because people are hard to hate close up. A call to speak truth to bullshit. But be civil."

Have the courage to lean in. Find a safe place to ask questions. 

If you'd like some additional resources, The Human Empathy Project also provides confidential consultation for pastors, so if a family in your congregation is struggling, reach out! You'll be met with compassionate support. You can also find resources for the Christian community, as well as LGBT community at TheHumanEmpathyProject.com. 

If you're a member of a faith-based community or if you aren't really that familiar with Biblical scripture, The Human Empathy Project's Biblical Scriptures link provides solid resources "for those interested in scripture translation, exegesis, hermeneutics/ interpretation, and application." As someone more familiar with psychology than theology, this one really helps me when I need to help provide support through difficult conversations where interpretation of scripture feels important to clients. 

Let's work together to make the world a more loving, affirming place. With brilliant minds and loving hearts like Gena Minnix turning relational research into useful tools, it's getting easier. I believe in us! 

I'll leave you with a quote from Gena's paper: "As Fowers and Davidov (2006) once said, cultural competency calls upon us 'not just to improve our therapeutic technique but to elevate our humanity.'" 

Love, 
MJ

12 Practical Tips for Growing Trust

Trust grows wild in relationships, but what happens when it gets "broken?" Can we "rebuild" trust? 

To be honest, I actually prefer the verb grow when it comes to trust because in a lot of the work I do with clients, trust isn't getting "rebuilt" so much as it's really being built for the first time. You'll hear all kinds of language in reference to psychotherapy aimed at supporting clients in this area; "Trust Recovery" is probably the trendiest.

Trust is all about consistency and predictability. It's little things every day. For it to work, you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to show up. It's about the follow-through. 

We grow trust in our relationships when we're accessible to our partners when they need us, respond when they reach out, and engage emotionally with them so they don't feel alone at times of need. This is based on Dr. Sue Johnson's "A.R.E. you there for me?" Question, which is rooted in bonding science. 

We also grow trust when we can emotionally time-travel back into painful moments with our partners so that we can, in a sense, undo the aloneness that fuels distress and dysregulation. 

A few weeks ago I got together with John Howard for his Get Ready Set Love podcast (@GetReadySetLove) to translate some of this science of trust into practical tips for anyone looking to grow trust, not just clients in-deep after relational norm violations like 'infidelity.'

I just want to share the top twelve tips I thought of when preparing for our conversation!  

12 Practical Tips for Growing Trust:

1. Focus on “small things often” (Gottman Institute). Set small, concrete intentions (start with achievable goals like, “I will practice mindful breathing for 5 minutes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings at 6:15am” or “I will go to a fitness class once per week”) and gently direction your attention to keeping up with them. To build trust in relationships, it helps to increase your trust in yourself. Accomplishing something you committed to, even if it's as simple as making the bed every day, grows trust in the self. Apply the same thinking to relationships and you'll be on a roll! Just remember to keep goals specific and measurable/achievable. Remember: "little things are not 'little.'"

2. "A.R.E. (accessibility, responsiveness, emotional engagement) you there for me?" Explore which element of A.R.E. (Sue Johnson) felt lacking during an attachment injury or wounding experience, and increase efforts to embody this dimension. It's helpful to start by talking about one specific example of a time you felt alone/unheard/not seen in the relationship. Start with a less significant example, like a minor parenting miscommunication or something that doesn't make you immediately livid thinking about. Let your partner/s know what incident felt upsetting, and what set you up for feeling upset. In the painful memory, was your partner accessible to you when you needed? Did they respond to you when you tried to signal your need? Did they emotionally engage with you? If the answer to those questions is "No," let your partner know what you needed and how they could have helped! Try to start requests with "I felt ____. I needed ____," as opposed to sharing criticisms that start with "You..." Once you have done a low-level example, then try something that is more recent, or still a trouble spot. If you get stuck, it could be a sign that checking in with a couples counselor could be beneficial!

3. “Name it to tame it." What happens when there's a giant elephant in the room and no one is saying anything? The weirdness turns palpable. When I invite clients to name-it-to-tame-it, for their relationship and/or in the context of parenting, what I mean is to practice attunement. According to Gottman and Yoshimoto's research, these are the skills involved in emotional attunement (which I'll include in an image below!): Awareness of your partner's emotions, 'Turning Toward' your partner when they need you, Tolerance for differing viewpoints, Understanding, Nondefensive responding, and Empathy. I call this the gift of "of course;" we want to give our partners the gift of, "Oh, of course you responded that way. You're not crazy. I get it. Knowing you and your story, the way things went down makes sense to me. I get you and I'm here with you. And I'm not going to try to 'fix' you or convince you out of what you're feeling and experiencing."

4. Practice nondefensive responding. This means watch out for the word "but." It can feel counterintuitive when there's been a big hurt or someone feels let-down related to your behavior, but what's needed is often just simple reflecting back of what you're hearing as you listen, even if it feels like you're just being a parrot. This might sound like: “You’re feeling so angry. I lied and you feel betrayed. You feel so upset with me right now.” It can help to follow-up with open questions! "Is there anything else?" "What do you need?" "How can I help?" I like to invite clients to imagine just sliding into a hot tub next to their partner: "Wow. It sure is hot in here," and gentle reflection on what's happening, *not* dipping a toe in and recoiling in terror and "YOW! Get out of there! Are you crazy?!" Hang out in the feelings sauna without trying to yank your partner out of it. If this means doing some individual counseling to tolerate big feels, do it!

5. "Comfort in, dump out." Match the level of vulnerability of the person with the least amount of power (Jean Baker Miller - "Supported Vulnerability") and find a balance of eye contact that feels safe (Stan Tatkin). Don't forget that certain cultures tend to maintain eye contact while listening, while others are more likely to do so while speaking; be sure to mirror appropriately and ensure that you aren't coming across as disinterested. I also highly recommend learning about Susan Silk's Ring Theory. You might have heard the phrase, "Comfort IN, dump OUT." Read up and practice pouring love and compassion "in" to people with the least power who are most impacted by a painful experience, and try to "dump" complaints and criticisms "out" and to people with more power who are less impacted by the event. For example: if your friend was 'cheated on,' focus on sharing loving thoughts with them, and do any complaining about their partner's behavior to a trusted friend who is not the vulnerable person in the epicenter of their hurt; if you're trying to comfort a hurricane victim, stay focused on what you can do to help, and complain/"dump out" about legislative policy and geopolitics to someone whose home wasn't destroyed.

6. Know who your Marble Jar Friends are. Have the courage to take health-promoting relational risks *and* learn to screen for empathy in others to evaluate for “Marble Jar Friend” (Brené Brown) status in discerning who to trust with your realness. Again, this is one of those domains where we can increase trust in our selves. We have to be discriminating about who we choose to share our most vulnerable, raw experiences with; don't get double-burned by sharing a painful experience with someone who tends to struggle with vaulting, to borrow another one of Brown's words.

7. Co-create mutual agreements. I prefer to nix the word "rules" and even "contract" in favor of "agreements." We need clearly defined agreements if expectations are going to be shared, and to ensure that we're on the same page and not making inaccurate predictions and interpretations about our partners, we depend on clearly understood expectations. A lot of partners in dyadic, monogamous relationships take for granted that culture prescribes pretty simple expectations: don't 'stray.' Clients in open and poly relationships feel more accustomed to hashing out details that might "go without saying" or be culturally assumed in monogamy. All relationships benefit from in-depth conversations co-creating definitions, agreements, and shared understandings.

8. Know where you are, and don't rush. Pacing is crucial when it comes to trust! An essential task is to be able to identify which of the 3 Stages of Trust Recovery you’re in (atone/attune/attach or stabilize/restructure/bond), so that you can use appropriate language and questions. For instance, in Stage I, we focus on exploring, processing, and expressing body sensations, emotional movements, present-moment experiences because we’re not in a place where we have lots of prefrontal cortex; we're hanging out in more emotional parts of the brain. A lot of therapists who aren't trained to consider this will start asking complex, existential questions in the first sessions when clients are still trying to sort out which way is up. Once we've gotten some safety established and good apologies have been heard, then we can start to really dig into the specifics about where a relationship derailed. I recommend downloading Esther Perel's Infidelity Resource Guide if you'd like to learn more about the general stages of growing trust and what to expect. She also provides questions that are safe to ask in each specific stage!

9. Brush up your art of apology. It's essential that we learn to deliver/perform *and* embody timely, heartfelt apologies. Harriet Lerner has some of my favorite resources for apologies. Clients also tend to have luck with Gottman's "Aftermath of Regrettable Incident," which is a step-by-step guide to processing a painful experience and making sure that partners are attuning and delivering meaningful apologies. Whenever our partners have a sudden, intense response to something, we can often assume that we hit what Dr. Sue calls a "raw spot" in EFT. It can be immensely helpful to map out the raw spots in every person in a relationship. When you see a big, angry response, for instance, it can be a signal that you'll find something softer and more vulnerable, like sadness, fear, or loneliness, if you slow the action down enough. It increases trust and builds strength into bonds when we can vulnerably share our feelings and see our partner lovingly stay present with us, affirming and validating what we're experiencing.

10. Kindness counts when it comes to language. Adopt affirming, non-blaming language and externalize problems so offending parties can feel hopeful about achieving growth/change/repair. For a simple example, I try to adopt Caryl Rusbult's language, “relational norm violation” instead of “affair," and Esther Perel's “hurt/involved/affair partner” instead of “cheater” and “victim." Send the signal that you're trying to understand and willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and you're more likely to set a stage where trust can grow. When I signal to people that I believe they can behave in a trustworthy manner, they tend to rise to the occasion.

11. Nonviolent communication principles can help! Focus on sharing feelings, needs, and direct requests. One of the easiest traps to fall into when trying to grow trust is attempting to guess intentions and motivations of others instead of just focusing on your own needs. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has tons of great resources!

12. Check-in with a counselor if you stay stuck. If trust doesn’t begin to unfurl naturally, it could be useful to assess for Trauma/PTSD or other things that can block attunement, like out of control substance use. EMDR or another body-centered modality to discharge any energy that might be trapped in the nervous system can help. EFT can also support conflict cycle de-escalation needed to set the stage for increasing trust.

Click here to listen to our conversation in full. You can also listen on Apple Podcasts. John and I had a fun time discussing this science! I have so much respect for his pro-vulnerability approach.

Keep heart. It is possible to build a relationship where trust grows wild again, no matter what you've been though. 

I'll leave you with some lyrical wisdom from Leonard Cohen: "Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything (there is a crack in everything). That's how the light gets in."

Love, 
MJ

On Men, Emotion, and How We Fail Our Boys

Pull yourself together. Walk it off. Man up. Stop being so sensitive. Brush it off. Are you crying? Little bitch. Stand up. Don't whine. Snap out of it. Boys don't cry. Grow a pair. Go cry to someone else. Don't be a sissy. What are you, a wuss? Lock it up. Rub some dirt on it. Sweat is just weakness leaving the body. Pussy. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Gonna cry to your Momma? Suck it up. Be a man. Tough it out. Buck up. 

Sound familiar to anyone? Depending on where you are, all 'genders' hear some versions of this, but in my region, folks walking around in male bodies experience a particularly vicious version.

One client summed it up nicely: "Just don't feel feelings." 

Women are also encouraged to stuff feelings and get praised for stoicism and suffering in silence, but there are sociocultural expectations that we at least privately share this suffering in sisterhood and verbally express our emotions, so the key is that even if we're dealing with some of the same issues, we generally face less alone-ness than our male counterparts. 

Males are taught that it's weak to share vulnerable feelings with each other, so there's not even an outlet. And on top of that, mainstream myths abound, like punching things or high octane exercise will do the trick instead of processing emotions. Research actually shows that trying to punch anger out/away really just amps you up and doesn't discharge the energy like many of us were taught.

Women may be told, "don't feel feelings" too, but men are told, "don't feel feelings AND don't you dare think about sharing them."

Oh, and males are then expected to *also* be able to grow up this way and then flip some magic switch when they're called to be in relationship. Instead, I listen to lots of female partners' criticizing, "Why can't you just be emotional with me?!" and insinuating their lovers are deficient or defective in some way. Guess how this lands on guys who have been primed to think on a spectrum from failure to success? 

Research shows that 'toxic masculinity' training starts tragically early in the lives of our little ones here in the US.

Last summer an article came out in The New York Times about "talking to boys the way we talk to girls," and I highly recommend it as an introduction to some of the research. 

A 2015 study (Pediatric Psychology) found that parents in emergency rooms talk differently to their children based gender. Mothers have been found (Pediatrics, 2014) to interact vocally with female daughters more often than sons. And it's not just moms; a study at Emory (2017) also found that dads sing/smile more at daughters; with sons, the language was achievement-focused, like "win," and "proud." 

It's also curious to note, traumatic stress changes brains of humans enculturated as males and those enculturated as females in differing ways according to Stanford researchers.

This makes tons of intuitive sense to my mind. When you're taught from the start to make sense of reality by taking your/others' emotions into consideration (empathize), and you are trained to connect (seek proximity) with others and co-create reality with shared language (communicate), in some respects you're better protected and insulated from aversive experiences and Trauma. 

This really started to click for me when I was listening to Vittorio Gallese lecture in NYC at Congress on Attachment and Trauma. 

Gallese and colleagues found that early aversive experiences (ACEs) alter facial mimicry of emotions as well as one's ability to emotionally regulate. If one experiences maltreatment as a child, as Gallese found studying boys living on the streets in Sierra Leon (2015), it can make it more difficult to recognize/read emotion in faces of others. 

Think about this for a moment. 

I started my counseling work with teens on probation and most of them came with diagnoses like "Conduct Disorder," and "Oppositional Defiant Disorder." Most of them also experienced profound abuse and/or neglect and ACEs. 

These kids were getting in fights not because they were "bad kids" or "thugs" as many of their teachers and POs thought, but potentially, according to Gallese's findings, also because they were misreading faces. If you see anger or aggression where it's not really (type I error), or you fail to see fear or sadness on a face (type II error), you can end up responding with inappropriate behavior. 

What's beyond fascinating is that as virtual embodiment studies emerge, we're seeing research that suggests that having a virtual experience where you see yourself as someone else and experience the world from another perspective can actually help increase your skills at reading and interpreting faces accurately. 

You can get better at emotion-ing with others! This turns a lot of theories on their heads that suggest your level of empathy is a kind of static thing that can't shift. 

If violent abusers are better able to see fear and pain in facial expressions after being immersed in a virtual experience, imagine the implications of this tech! 

Also, think about how our criminal justice institutions, then, systemically punish people who were punished already in early life by ACEs. This is the heart of the ethical terrain to me. 

If you're into tech, philosophy, and ethics, I highly recommend checking out work by Thomas Metzinger. An accessible way to get into his work might be an article from The New Yorker by Joshua Rothman, "Are We Already Living in Virtual Reality?" Stanford's Jeremy Bailenson also knows his stuff and is accessible for a variety of readers. I recommend his, "When Does Virtual Embodiment Change Our Minds?"

From where I sit as a clinician, the view honestly gets pretty heartbreaking. I see these themes again, and again, and again in work with relationships, particularly hetero couples. Especially when there's Trauma history. 

The heartache comes from seeing the caustic emotion-dismissing culture males are steeped in from the get-go, and watching clients who identify as men being pulled into counseling by their collars like naughty boys for not properly emotion-ing with female partners, who have been trained by society since the get-go to speak the language of emotion and interpersonal connection. 

Remember learning the definition of a double bind maybe in Psych 101? Double bind: "a situation in which a person is confronted with two irreconcilable demands or a choice between two undesirable courses of action."

We systematically tell boys and men that it's not safe/hip/attractive/necessary to be attuned and "emotional" or "sensitive." Then as soon as they partner up, they're faced with two scary options: share feelings or face an angry/disapproving partner. 

Or worse, try to share feelings to an angry/disapproving partner, and any communication skills that are there go offline when prefrontal cortex peaces out and leaves you with fight/flight/freeze/submit brains. Then it becomes this self-fulfilling, "See? You can't do this emotion thing!" 

And people who were raised identifying as female can often take for granted just how much enculturation and training we received from pretty much everyone around us in direct and covert ways. Obviously this is a broad stroke and there are certainly males whose experiences called them to develop traits that have historically been associated with femininity, like empathy and communication skills. 

Let me just share a quick, final little secret with you which is the opposite of what so many clients come in for counseling thinking: men have emotion and women have libido.  

Men don't exist solely in the physical plane and women don't exist solely in emotion. The whole "men are from Mars women are from Venus" thing is passé. 

Also, because researchers' papers that don't find exciting 'gender differences' often get shoved in a drawer since they're not "interesting" enough to publish, there's actually quite an exaggerated sense that humans are wired really differently based on 'gender.'

Sure, hormones absolutely color our realities differently and when pressed by colleagues who worship at the altar of evolutionary biology I can acknowledge a certain level of differences that can be attributed to sex, but at the core of our DNA is the same message regardless of what's between your legs: get close to other people or you will die. You'll hear that in the research as "proximity-seeking behaviors." 

In any case, I am feeling moved and inspired by the outpouring of articles over the past year or so calling for us to expand the definition of "masculinity" to be more inclusive and "redefining masculinity." Let's keep this conversation going! Our world depends on it. 

Love, 
MJ

10 Signs it's Time for Couples Counseling

Ask any couples counselor two questions: 1) when should relationships come in for counseling? and 2) when do relationships come in for counseling? 

You'll hear an overwhelming amount of: "They come in when it's already too late." 

A pair of images immediately occurs to me: patting out a little grass fire with your foot around a fire pit, versus a team of professional firefighters attacking a massive, out-of-control blaze. 

It becomes evident pretty quickly when a couple has actually hired you to help them breakup.

While I definitely believe a great many love relationships can be brought 'back from the brink' with the right motivation, effort, and experienced helping professionals, there is a "too late" in some cases. 

Too many wounding things get said. Too many hurts go without repair. The message "I'm not here for you when you need me" has gotten too deeply scarred in for at least one partner to feel incapable of trusting again. 

Moral of the story? Get help when the fire is still small enough to pat out.

Signs it's Time for Couples Counseling: 

1. "It's so great; we never fight!" A lot of times this just means people don't see each other very frequently, stay really surface with conversation and avoid potentially upsetting topics, and kind of travel on parallel tracks and then diverge around conflict. Another common behavior among partners who say this is stuffing things under the rug. What's interesting from an EFT perspective is that I always see a conflict cycle, even when a couple is claiming they "don't fight." You'll see uncomfortable little power struggles crop up at Ikea or planning the family trip, or as Alain de Botton quips in On Love: "romantic terrorism." Conflict is natural and even health-promoting if we're mindful and compassionate about it. If there's a stark absence of passions getting stirred in your relationship in "negative" ways, it's not surprising when we see passions feeling limited or restricted in say, intimacy. We can't selectively numb or avoid pain without impacting pleasure. 
2. Anger has started to warp into resentment. This looks like "aw man, this not-great thing happened and I'm mad!" twisting into "my partner did this shit thing because they're a real piece of work and I don't deserve this bullshit." It's sort of like the difference between guilt and shame. With resentment, there's something of a rub-your-face-in-it component; it's more like "you did this shit thing because *you* are a real piece of shit." Gottman Institute research backs up that resentment can spell the beginning of the end for relationships if it doesn't get addressed. Clinically it gets complicated too, because to move from 'Negative Sentiment Override' to feeling good about the relationship, we have to move from (-) to neutral to (+); it doesn't just turn around to sunshine and bubbles overnight.  
3. Someone or everyone is becoming violent when upset or frustrated. Violence with/toward objects that aren't you (e.g., punching holes in the wall, throwing furniture around, being scary driving the car) counts. Aggression with language and shaming partners also counts. If you find a helping professional trained in Gottman Method, they will definitely screen for safety and violence and be able to discreetly feel out if one of more partners feels like speaking up in therapy would put them at risk. Also, know that there are safe, helpful community resources here for you if you're in a relationship that sounds like this:
   Safe Place: (512) 267-7233 + En Español + Live Chat for deaf people of all identities 
   Indocumentado/undocumented? Casa Marianella: (512) 385-5571
   Statewide Legal Assistance: WomensLaw.org
4. We keep repeating the SAME pattern when we're in conflict. Maybe you love each other to pieces regardless, but the same cycle keeps you in a dreadful loop sometimes. If this sounds like you, someone trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy could be especially helpful! In EFT, we train to frame problems in relational terms so that you can gain some mastery over out of control patterns, and find ways to soothe and nurture each other through inevitable, health-promoting relational conflict. An EFT therapist can help your relationship 1) notice and understand the cycles and patterns that get you derailed and/or stuck as well as the connecting ones which make you bond, 2) support you to disrupt these uncomfortable patterns and reinforce/increase bonding "dances," and 3) experience your relationship as a "secure bond" that you can trust in, where intimacy grows wild. Even healthy relationships benefit and feel more deeply connected from engaging in this kind of counseling. 
5. The phrase "we're just friends!" has been uttered. Shirley Glass and Caryl Rusbult are your researchers/authors if you don't believe me. If your partner has said something along these lines, particularly about someone at work with whom they have an emotional connection and friendship, maybe bop in to counseling for a check-in! If you have told partner/s "we're JUST friends!" about someone in your life, I want to challenge you to tenderly ask yourself, "Why did I put the word 'just' in there?" Unless it's a literal life-or-death scenario, when we see anger, we can assume pretty safely that there's something 'primary' or more vulnerable beneath it at the root, e.g., sadness, fear, shame, loneliness. If you notice that you get defensive and upset when a partner expresses jealousy about this "just-a-friend," do you know why? The best way to work toward preventing relational norm violations like 'affairs' is to be real with yourself and not pretend like you're immune from temptation, which can involve needing to name uncomfortable things. It might sound counterintuitive, but if you're partner is securely attached (and has worked through past issues) and you can just say when you feel a tiny crush on someone, it sort of takes the air and excitement out of something that could build up into a tantalizing secret. A therapist can help facilitate conversations like this! 
6. Our kiddos are acting out and we're not sure why. In love relationships, if one person is having feelings but not sharing them out loud, sometimes they'll manifest in the other partner who is empathic and/or doesn't have the same level of shame and stigma around feeling feelings. This happens with kids too! When clients report that kiddos are seeming extra angry and frustrated lately and there's no overt, obvious cause or change, I like to ask if the clients have themselves been feeling any anger. It's not a straight line from parents stuffing feelings to kids acting out, but we definitely see kids' behavior shift in ways parents like once the whole family system is verbally naming what's going on instead of stuffing it or pretending it's not happening. I also frequently hear from clients who have gotten intimacy back on track that they they become baby magnets and kids start becoming snufflier, emotionally warmer, and more relaxed energetically. 
7. Something painful from the past gets brought up whenever we fight. Clients often report that there was an affair/s years ago and "we think we resolved it" but it keeps getting brought up every time there's a big blowup. I see a number of clients who maybe even went to a handful of counseling/premarital sessions or consultations with a religious or spiritual advisor in the wake of a relational norm violation like 'infidelity' who keep feeling stuck with some unresolved stuff that only seems to crop up when they're already heated. With EFT and other solid models for work with relationships, we can sort of time travel back into the past and revisit old wounds and "attachment injuries," like affairs, so that we undo the alone-ness that happened in those painful memories. Injuries stick in particular when we get the message that our partner is not accessible, will not respond to us, and can't/won't emotionally engage with us; when we feel overwhelmed and alone. If you're asking Sue Johnson's "A.R.E. you there for me?" question, it's maybe time for counseling. 
8. We have a hard time recovering after conflict. Maybe it takes many hours, sometimes days or even weeks to make up and reconnect after a big fight. Do you say "sorry," but the feelings don't actually really change for the better? Our culture does a pretty terrible job teaching u social skills around atonement and apology and dances of reconnection. Even helping professionals are mostly taught what it looks like when partners are disconnected or connected; not what healthy reconnection looks like. The longer hurts go unseen and partners are left feeling unnoticed and not cared for, the longer they can take to heal. Sometimes relationships see enormous benefits just from practicing together how to make up when there's been an injury, and learning how to perform apologies with words and actions. This cycle of connection, disconnection, reconnection, described by Dr. Jean Baker Miller, is very natural and health-promoting, but our sociocultural upbringings can get in the way and encourage us to avoid conflict/apology and actually make things worse. 
9. Intimacy isn't mutually satisfying and/or we are thinking of 'opening up.' Clients often come in because sex has started feeling mechanical and/or one or more people avoid initiating sex because they don't want to rock the boat or face rejection. Here, again, is another shining beacon of "sooner than later." I've worked with partners who haven't had sex in weeks, months, years, and even decades. *As soon* as it occurs that things aren't feeling mutually groovy in bed and you're not talking about it, either start talking or find a therapist. The idea that a conversation is "awkward" or "embarrassing" is way better than say, a decade-long dry spell, trust me. Oh, while we're here, if intimacy doesn't feel awesome and you're thinking about 'opening up' your relationship as a possible solution, GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING. Seriously can't say enough: open your relationship together when love is overflowing and you have so much good feels and sex that you need some extra bodies to catch it all, NOT when there's a lack of intimacy and sex is trying to pull blood from stone and you imagine that you might be able to magically transfer energy from one experience back into your primary relationship. Regardless of your motivations, if you're thinking of changing dynamics in a relationship, check in with a couples counselor who is affirming and pleasure positive! AASECT has some solid resources. 
10. "I'm not sure they're the one." When you think about walking down the aisle and getting married, are you so happy *and* there's this deep, unavoidable dread pit that vaguely stirs in your guts? If you really can't make heads or tails of whether or not you should be in a relationship, there's a particular type of counseling called Discernment Counseling that can help! While I see a lot of clients trying to use Gottman Assessment + Relationship Checkup as a means of discernment, it's better for getting a snapshot of a relationship to help see if there are any major shifts that would need to occur to reduce the likelihood that the relationship won't flourish. This is also a place where it can be helpful to get a referral for a solid individual therapist to do some prep work to begin to navigate this issue. Saying "I'm not sure about us," can cause attachment injuries and send the message that the bond isn't secure, so it's helpful to have a helping professional to keep an eye for relational safety during the process. If you do want to see an individual counselor, I like to recommend finding someone who works on a team with a couples counselor so that you can easily begin to collaborate when the time calls! 

If nothing else, try counseling together as an experiment! What have you got to lose? 

If your relationship is really steady and solid, counseling will just deepen your bond and probably bring some spice back into things. If you're already struggling, why not see if counseling can change things up for you? Especially if you've never tried it before. 

Looking for a trusty helping professional? I recommend searching for the following key words: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT). If finances are a consideration, Capital Area Counseling and Therapy Austin both offer sliding scale services for relationships and families. 

I also invite you to feel encouraged to ask questions and interview a few potential therapists until you find someone who feels right for your relationship! Lots of folks in town offer free consultations; take us up on it! "How long have you been working with couples?" "What evidence-based practices do you use?" "How do you stage out treatment planning?" "Does it feel like we'd be a good fit to do counseling work together?" 

We'll see success rates in couples counseling climb when people apply the same logic that they do to "hard science" and medical fields: an ounce of prevention... 

Love, 
MJ